Sunday, July 5, 2009
Posted by sbass
I decided tonight to blog - it's 4:12 am. Because, as it happens, it is the 4th of July weekend, and although it has been quite wonderful having extra time to spend in the garden, with my family and watching fireworks, there seems to be a part of me that is missing. During the past year, I have been through different holidays...easter, mother's day, mom's birthday - but none that has affected me quite like this holiday. Why I ask? Why do I feel such sadness during this holiday? A patriotic american day-full of spirited fun...but maybe that's it. Ya know, America - baseball, mother & apple pie. Yes, the memory of mother has spawned me to want to share how Lung Cancer has changed my life. Mostly to tell you tonight that my heart is heavy. Heavy missing mom, wishing she didn't have to leave on January 28th to that beast, LC. That was the day that my life changed. My heart was broken. And then I noticed something. That when you lose someone that is such a big part of your life, your whole world opens up. You're not afraid anymore. And as time goes by, your whole life seems to shift. It's not anything that you do consciously...your life begins to take another turn. It's like being a part of a movie where a progression of events carry you through. As the days pass, they say that time heals all wounds, and I guess that's true. But I will tell you that just as a scab or a scar is left behind, there are remnants of heartache. There is a change. A part that will never be the same. Ultimately, these changes aren't necessarily bad. Sometimes it's the one thing you needed for new beginnings - to push you a little harder to progress. My mom's passing has become a pivotal moment in my life. Almost like jumping from an airplane with a parachute when you find out the engine quite. Inkwell Alley has become my parachute - and although I'm not sure where I'm gonna land, I look forward to exploring the unknown. I'm sure mom is watching and smiling knowing that I have her spunk. Deep down, I know that she would want me to use this to reach a place I never knew possible. The beast of Lung Cancer has made me angry enough to push forward. So if I can share anything, my wish would be to encourage you if you have lost someone or if you've ever dealt with Cancer in your life or with someone you love. Don't dismay for I have found that there is a bigger purpose. I know it's not easy. Take care, have faith and take one hour at a time (...hang on to your parachute until you see where you land.) It's now 5:54 am, time to rest. Until next time. sbass
at 1:11 AM
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